we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
