you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
