i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
