You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
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I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
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He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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