Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
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