I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
