i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
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