Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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