I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Randomize
