Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
