I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
