I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
