I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
