sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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