I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
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