i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
