The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
