There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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