Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
