I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
this is an emotional support booty call
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
