all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize
