I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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