I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
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