In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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