The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
