pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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