And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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