also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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