dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
