Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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