dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
soo... how was my night?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
