I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
