well I can't set my house on fire every night
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
