Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
