the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
