i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
