I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
