there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
