Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
