At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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