i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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