I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
