ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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