My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
