I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Randomize
