dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
vagina is talking i cant
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
