remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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