New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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