I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
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I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
This is classic penis vs brain.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
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