nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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