I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
