If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
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Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
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How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
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