4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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