you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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