Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
